Living was a struggle
On the outside, a perfect childhood and adolescence…
I was a very happy child.
Every morning I would say: “Today is a good day!”
To which my mum would ask: “How do you know?”
I answered her because I decided so and also because… I had Jesus!
As far back as I can remember, I always had a relationship with Him. On my way to school I talked to Him every morning, I left Him a place next to me and I went to church on Sundays. On the outside, everything was fine. Yet, over the years, a lie had slipped into my heart. “You’re not good enough, you are unworthy. You won’t succeed in life. You come from a working class background and your skin is dark etc.” A deep pain started to grow in my heart and so did my sadness.
A spiral of destruction
I did not have a “teenage crisis”, nor rebellion against parental authority, nothing like that. On the other hand, I secretly ate up packs of cookies and chocolate bars under my bed. The food was my friend, my refuge and my confidant. I would eat food compulsively when I had anxiety attacks, curled up against my bedroom’s door so nobody could come in and see me like that. I became an expert at hiding everything.
I was good at pretending. Smiling to everyone yet I was dying inside. Laughing for anything while my heart was shouting out of fear. The worst I had gotten, the more food I ate and the more I hid. And things had gotten worse. I still loved God and I was convinced of His love but the pain was too strong. Living was hurting me. The feeling of being worthless grew up inside of me like a parasite…it was eating away at me. One night, I took all the pills I could find and swallowed them up without thinking twice… To my surprise I woke up with no side-effects. But my pain was still on…
This has resulted in a long period of wake up calls and thinking of how I would try to commit suicide throughout the day. Meanwhile, I would still go to church and stand up to every prayer calls. Every Sunday my pastor prayed for me and laid hands on me not knowing my inner struggle.
God stood up for me
Depression did not stop overnight. I had made several suicide attempts over the past 10 years. But one day, Christ gradually poured out His light upon my burden, and the healing process started to emerge. I listened to many praises, read many testimonies on internet, La Pensée Du Jour (thought of the day) on the French website TopChrétien. I filled myself up with God’s word. The Bible was much more efficient than chocolate bars! His love broke my fear down. Jesus brought me joy and life again!
Healing from depression is possible!
Healing is possible! Enjoying life again is possible! I was depressive and now I am being called joyfull! Happy! Bubbly! God broke 10 years of depression and I believe He can do it for anyone who turns to Him for help!