I asked God to take my life
I used to be very extraverted, when I was little. I couldn‘t just sit at home and do nothing. I would look for new friends and new adventures. This joyful life-stage lasted only until school began. The first eight years at school was the worst. I was always very sensitive, so for me being bullied was harder than for others, so no one could understand me. Every word left huge marks on my heart and they didn‘t heal for a long time. I remember many of those words today and I closed myself off from others. I didn‘t like to talk to people so I was very sarcastic and cold; even my smile was not sincere. When other kids did their homework, I just let my pillow absorb my tears and all the pain that I felt. Several times, I even asked God to take my life. I knew that I couldn‘t do it myself, so I thought maybe God could help me with that.
I used to act differently
When I started high school I got into a really good class and I was involved in many school activities (singing, organising events, participating in different kinds of contests, etc.). But I still had low self-esteem and hated myself deep inside. I used to act differently than I really felt, but it didn‘t change my feeling beyond the school walls. I felt irrelevant to my friends, family and even God Himself.
The problem was bigger than I thought
Once I decided to share this story with Olga (a youth group leader). She was patiently listening and then asked me to do just one thing – to say,“I am a beloved daughter of God.“ That seemed easy enough. But I was confused. I just couldn‘t say that, especially, when I knew that someone else is listening to me. Then I realized that the problem was bigger than I thought. I didn‘t feel like even God would love me. Olga suggested I repeat this phrase when I was at home alone and as often as possible.
Starting to see myself with new eyes
I didn‘t go to that youth group for about 4 months. In that time, God was teaching me new things. He talked with me about my worth in Him, about my talents that He gave me, about His love and the reason that He created me. I didn‘t notice it, but I started to like myself without makeup, without fashionable clothes. I stopped thinking what others thought about me and I started to see myself with new eyes. Ultimately, I went to that group meeting. Again, Olga and I were discussing what happend in my life in last four months. She was patiently listening and then, again, she said something, that overwhelmed me, but this time in a good way. She said, “Did you notice that you said “I am a beloved daughter of God“ about five times yet?..”
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! – 1John 3:1a