I was Captivated by Him
“We didn’t want to worry you. You have exams coming up. We want you to succeed in life." These were the words that my mum said, when I asked her if she thinks that I am stupid and can’t understand what is happening. There were three of us in the kitchen: my mum, my sister and me.
My mum had cancer. I can’t explain how I found out about it. Few months already I knew that something was wrong, I just didn’t know what. My sister, mum and dad knew something that I didn’t. And then I just realised – my mum is sick.
My family tried to save me from these terrible news, but it had an opposite effect – I felt rejected, sorry for myself and empty inside. Even before that I felt rejected by my friends, who could forget me for weeks, till they were hanging out with their new boyfriends. Moreover, guys didn’t notice me at all – I was seventeen and never had I had a boyfriend or even a decent date.
I wanted meaning in life, wanted to do something spectacular, change the world, but I felt little, unwelcome, talentless and ugly. These dreams didn’t motivate me, it made me even more depressed. And on the top of that there was a family crisis. I didn’t feel protected, I felt deceived and rejected.
Moreover, I felt a heavy burden on my shoulder – huge parents expectations. My mum clearly said:”We want to to succeed in life." I had to pass my exams well and join best university in Lithuania.
And I succeeded. I finished school as the best student and even managed to get into my dream speciality. The only thing that I couldn’t do – to regain my trust in people. Walls in my heart were growing, I couldn’t let anyone in. On the outside I was smiling and joking, in the inside – crying and hiding. I couldn’t get rid of deep hopelessness either.
One simple invitation changed my life. My group mate suggested me to come to discussion evenings about Christianity. Even though I didn’t want to hear about God, I agreed to come. I still don’t know why. And just when I entered, I realised – here is something different. People didn’t try to convince me, they listened to me and answered my questions. So, I started going there each week.
Finally I understood – I was captivated by Him. Jesus. It was the first time when I understood that He is the only way to God. I realised that you don’t need to stop using your brain, blindly follow tradition and become boring to be a Christian. Christianity is not a religion, which I hated so much, it is a personal relationship with God.
I started craving for this relationship, but for that I needed to put all my trust in Him. I decided to do it. Start living how He wants me to, follow Him, even when I do not know exactly where He is leading me. I thought, if there is anyone I can trust, it should be Jesus.
And He never disappointed me. Through all the joys, adventures, hardships, suffering, mistakes He is with me. He doesn’t leave me alone in the world, He leads me, talks to me, listens and strengthens me. He gives me meaning and hope. And a dream to change the world, a dream, that doesn’t crush me as it did before.
Do people still disappoint me? Yes. Do guys like me more? Am I more pretty? No. But I realised, that this is not what I really wanted. I realised, that neither boyfriend, nor met expectations of my parents can give a meaning to my life. This is why I can call my life successful – having a close relationship with my Creator is the best thing that could ever happen to anyone. And it happened to me.
If you experience is similar to mine or you would like to hear more about my journey with Christ, please, contact me.