Hi, my name is Jennifer Astrid Zoller and I'm a 15 year old mess. I was born 24th October 2002 as the third of four children. At first my life was great, although I can't remember much of the greatness, because it ended when I was three. My younger brother was born and my mom couldn't handle anything. We had to move, she had to take care of 4 children because my father was the one to work, so he wasn't home all day. Anyways, when I reached my third year to live, my mother started hitting me, it wasn't like a soft hit now and then. She did it every day. Smashed my head against the wall or slapped me… although I didn't do anything. The other two got hit too, but not as often as me. So this went on and on, until I was 10. Then she stopped. I think that she was scared I would tell someone. That was the thirst thing that destroyed me.

My second story started a few years later. I was nine and it was the first day of the new school  year. I had friends and stuff. I was a good student. However, that day, a new girl came into our class. I tried to be nice so I complimented her. The next day, the nightmare started. My friends befriended with her and shut me out. I was suddenly a loner, against my  will. They started bullying me after two or three months and I had to live with the bullying for 6 years. So basically, before the first nightmare was over, the second one began.

With 12 I realized that I had depression and with 13 the anxiety kicked in. With 14 I started cutting myself, not to get attention, because no one knows about it. I did it to feel alive again. It actually made me feel happy and although I stopped a few weeks ago, I still want to do it. The blade is in a little box next to my bed, where I can reach it all the time. With every night I don't do it, the wish gets stronger. I feel like I have to do it to survive. My parents are now divorced and I have to live with that woman… what makes the wish even stronger than it already is… My self esteem gets lower from day to day… and the wish to die starts to overwhelm me. However, it's sometimes easier, because the bullying stopped, I got some friends and I'm together with, in my eyes, the greatest boy alive.