For a long time, I couldn´t speak about the past and I had to keep silent. Still today some people don´t want me to speak about this topic, others simply disavow that these things happen. Some issues are simply taboo issues…
I was a good girl: nice to everyone, friendly, obedient, cheerful, helpful and obliging. I was a textbook example of a Christian girl. My parents and siblings loved me and everything seemed to be fine. However, there was this very good friend of our family… He was a really good friend of our family and therefore, we met several times a week.
When I was about eight years old, this friend started to sexually abuse me. I didn´t say anything because I was scared. I thought that I would destroy my family, the friendship of our familis and our church. Furthermore, I was ashamed and felt guilty. He abused me regularly and I suffered silently. It was awful but I couldn´t say anything. The sexual abuse itself ended when I was about 12 years old but the effects are immense and still today, I´m suffering from some.
Headaches, everyday and everywhen. Many years I tried diverse pain therapies, went to different doctors and took many pain killers. From my eights year of life on, I suffered from headaches but the docters didn´t know what caused them. At the beginning, I had only several times a week headaches but after some years it got worse. I didn´t live a minute without having headaches, all treatments didn´t help and my parents and I were helpless. We prayed to God but it sometimes seemed as if he didn´t hear our prayers. However, in these times of suffering, I also experienced that God is faithful and that He is my strength. Some month before my final examinations, at the age of eighteen, God healed me through a new pain therapy. This was a huge gift and miracle for my family and me.
As a teenager, I had suicidal ideation. I couldn´t cope with the sexual abuse I had experienced and the headaches. Other people didn´t recognize anything because I didn´t speak about my feelings and those thoughts. Therefore, they reckoned me to be a cheerful girl. God was the only with whom I spoke about my feelings and thoughts. I argued with him because I couldn´t understand him and his ways. God gave me strength in these times and he consoled me. 2 Corinthians 12.9 encouraged and comforted me a lot.
I moved out when I started my studies at University and I began a trauma therapy because I realized that the effects on my life were too serious. I was severly traumatized and this had a negative impact on my whole life. Sometimes, I quarrel with God because I can´t understand him and I struggle accepting his love. But today, I know that he didn´t want me to experience these terrible things. God cries about suffering and he´s also angry about it. God doesn´t want boys and girls to be sexually abused. Although God didn´t want that you and I were sexually abused, he can use it and make something beautiful out of the mess of our lives. My life isn´t always easygoing but I know for sure that God is faithful. He encourages me and he is my strength.
Now, you´ve gained a little insight into my life. Just let me know if you´ve questions or if you´ve experienced something similar. I encourage you to break the silence and speak, I will listen to you. My prayer for you is that God gives you courage and strength to break the silence. May he prepare people who believe you and encourage you in the healing process. He wants to make something beautiful out of the mess of your life.