I grew up in a Christian family and knew quite a lot about God. As far as I remember it was usual to hear my family talking about God, praying or singing songs to God in my childhood. We used to spend a lot of time in church. Generally, I liked it very much. Most of the time I was surrounded by Christians – friends, family, and relatives. Though I saw that my family is a little bit different from others (that caused me to feel quite uncomfortable around others), I was very happy to have such a family. To tell the truth, I had everything what a child needs for a happy life - my parents’ love and safety.
Later on I started to compare myself to peers and started to see all my disadvantages. It was so hard to accept myself. I didn’t even notice how I became involved in a hunt after my value. I wanted to prove both - others and myself - how intelligent and beautiful I am. I started pursuing it by various activities, works and relationships with guys. All those relationships were harmful and unsuccessful for me. Though I seemed as a normal girl who is friendly, nice, had good study marks, deep inside I was very insecure. Moreover, when I started to study at university many existential questions arose in my mind. It was something like a runny nose which didn’t let me live a normal life. So I wanted to push these questions a side and to live as I used to live before. In spite of all my efforts I saw these questions everywhere - in my studies, family, dreams and relationships. At that time, I had rejected the possibility that God exists about whom I had heard so much about. I was deeply interested in psychology, philosophy and other religions. I believed that it will help me to find answers and give the safety I was looking for. Still there was nothing that could make me happy. Achievements were not enough and relationships were so unsuccessful that I started to feel shameful and hopeless.
But this time it was different
In my life always were people who were telling about Jesus and what He does in their lives. Though I used to hear about it so many times now I heard it absolutely differently. I admired it through a distance and wanted to have such a relationship with God as they (usually such people are being called Christians) had. But my mind was full of philosophical conclusions which forced me to stay away from all religious experience. So I was trying to stay away from these experiences . In spite of this I wanted to know more about God so much that I started to read Bible and to explore it. The more I read about God, the more I admired Him. I thought: How can I communicate with Him? I want it! Is it possible to have a relationship with Him? Bible says that the only way to Father is only by believing in Jesus as in personal Savior. I couldn’t accept this because I saw myself as a good and innocent person. However, the more I read the Bible and the more I talked to others about it, the more I saw the Bible is true. I began to see how imperfect I was. Soon after that I admitted that Jesus had died for me.
I don’t remember an exact moment when this happened but I clearly experienced that my life has been intervened by a real Person. God became so close to me and there deep in my heart was a feeling like being home. I saw how much Jesus did for me and how precious I was to Him. Shame, insecurity disappeared and I began to feel unexplainable peace and security in my heart. Reading the Bible helped me to know God more as a person. I started to talk to Him (pray) as I talked to other people. All those truths written in that book has liberated (and still is liberating) me from false perceptions about me and my life. I felt beloved and valuable to Jesus and I wanted to share this love with others.
Relationship with loving Creator of the universe brings me strength, security and real joy. It is the crucial thing which was missing in my past life. Today there are also moments when I fear or worry, or become disappointed with someone but it is not the most important thing. There is nothing more amazing than to have a relationship with Jesus who loves me by His perfect and furious love just as I am.
If you have experienced something like this or would like to talk about it, please do not hesitate to contact me.