Where is my security?
This world can feel very unsafe. People come in and out of your life, it can feel very lonely. I find I spend time with people and I am always looking for a reaction from people, to know that I mean something to someone, that I exist for a reason. I want to know that being on this earth is not meaningless. I never wanted to live on my own as this felt scary and lonely. I crave the security of being loved, to be missed by someone, to find security and safety in someone who knows me. I see other people who have found someone and wonder why I have not been able to do that.
However people often let you down, they cancel plans, they move, they never quite meet my expectations and I think these are probably quite high expectations. And I retreat slightly, not wanting to be hurt and take myself back to being on my own, being self reliant and safe and secure but perhaps not experiencing some of the joys of life either. Not feeling myself.
I guess I know that this isn’t it, there is a bigger picture and that believing in a God of safety and security helps me to see that there is something more. I remember being at a weekend away and a speaker there telling us God loves you…, God loves you…, God loves you.… He kept repeating it and it made me cry. It felt like something inside was responding to God, the only one I can rely on, the only one who truly loves me whatever is happening and will never change.
I am not sorted and I sometimes doubt that God is enough and have to remind myself of what the Bible says in terms of God’s love being a rock and a foundation for life. Sometimes life will be tough and being a Christian doesn’t take this away. But God loves me whatever happens, he is someone I can rely on and brings me peace. All of us still need human love and acceptance too but I believe that that God knows what our deepest anxiety is because he truly knows us and created us. I do now live on my own, it is not my preferred choice but I am ok, it is not the end of the world. I try to trust God and what he has in store for me and not worry about the rest.