Breaking the Bonds of depression and pain
I was lost, lonely, isolated and terrified, struggling with everything that life was throwing my way.
From the age of 14 onwards i barely went a week where i wasn't perminantly crying or having panic attacks. I was suffering from severe depression and couldn't make sense of anything. I didn't know how to cope with family struggles so i argued and fought with my family and spent alot of time staying on friends sofas or in silence. I tried everything i could to make the feeling go away. I drank until i couldn't remember life, i experimented with drugs, i always had a boyfriend even if the relationships where unhappy, scary or abusive. I was never able to be myself and allowed men to shape who i was and my relationships.
I spent 6 years lonley, isolated, feeling trapped and unloved. I felt utterly worthless and like no one could ever love me for who i was. I wasn't a nice person to be around with so much anger and hurt defining who i was.
But God wanted to be in my life.
When i was young i thought there was a God even in a family with no religious background but was so angry at the events unfolding in my life that i rejected him.
But one day when i was walking home from work, crying and unable to process my feelings i thought about praying. I immediatly pushed the thought aside rejecting the idea of a God who could let so much pain happen. I went home and for the first time in 5 years 6 years opened up to a friend about everything that had been going on. She had been a christian for a while but hadn't really ever had an intense conversation about it but this time she took the opportunity and told me that i should pray to God because he loved me and wanted to help me. I listened but was angry because i wanted a friend not to be preached at. Later that day i went to see my friends mum and we decided to pray together. I was reluctant but wanted anything that could help to help!
So we Prayed.
And i felt a peace and calm that i had never felt as an adult ever.
I felt release and a strength that i hadn't experienced in pain.
I began to realise that God might not be cruel but loving and caring; wanting to help out rather than damage me.
The longer i explored God and Jesus and the Bible the more i felt like God was revealing his answers to me about how i could have suffered and felt lonely. It was amazing for me to see people in the bible who had suffered the same way as me and to sew how faithfully God had loved them... especially in their weaknesses! I slowly began to be released from dependancy on drugs and alcohol. God revealed to be gradually how a person controlling me and puting me down wasn't love and that giving into threats wasn't going to earn me anything but pain and so i gradually emerged from that abuse.
It's been almost two years since God began to reveal himself to me and my life has be totally transformed. I have gone from feeling isolated and lonley to being loved unconditionally in my strengths and weaknesses by a Father God and a loving family. I have gone from feeling like i have to be someone that pleases everyone to knowing that the way i am, quirks and all, is just the way i am supposed to be and that's what makes me uniquely beautiful! I have gone from struggling to make friends and form relationships to being able to be part of friendships that help me grow as a person, helping me when i am struggling and encouraging me when i am doing ok. Finally i have gone from having no purpose in life to having a reason to be striving to always better myself.
It would be a lie to say becoming a Christian makes everything turn into sunshine and butterflies but in place of pain, panic, regret and anguish God provides contentment, joy, peace and the best friend i could possibly have to share my ups and downs!
God has given me a strength, courage, identity, peace, hope and future that i never thought i would have.