Failure as a Mother
She crumbled beneath the weight of her realization. In waves it washed over her, the reality of her failure.
In heaving sobs, my head buried in my own legs, wailing with bitter tears of no more second chances, not here, not ever. Alone I stood against the over-crowded masses of family court, it was finished! The decision had been made before my arrival. With a common signature, I had released the children I rejoiced over when I learned of when they were growing inside of me. I surrendered ever feeling the hands that once traced my womb, cleaning the feet that had kicked me in the late night hours. From the tears of pain mingled with joy that had birthed them into this world, it was my same tears that placed them in the arms of another!!!!! I had caught whispers of child welfare eyeing me through the lines of betrayal. But it wasn’t me it was my ex husband and my previous boyfriend. The one whose hand I had held since the moment I noticed the hands of boys. In the dawning days of my teen years crazy, irresistible, infatuated love. So who would give it a second thought when I ran from the staunch boundaries of home, to the freedom of a lifestyle every girl desired? The birth of a family, dreams, innocent longings established. He had worked. He made good money for being a high school dropout. I went to work in retail making my small fortune… We saved and bought the trailer we had been spying. However, when you’re a 18-year-old boy, you’re riveted with unceasing worlds to conquer, adventures to be explored. I never once questioned. He was my existence. When the unusual tools began crowding the kitchen, and the strangers’ faces began looking to me for lunch, then dinner; then stepping over people lining the floor, breakfast. Day in and day out, and he whispered, If you love me, you’ll stand by me. I silently served him in any way I could grasping for the dreams I birthed in that little court room. But the days passed. A baby girl came, and with it his work hours seemed to grow longer. His days ran together. But I still never questioned. Ever loyal, always faithful. Aren’t those the words we had muttered through our anticipation of the future? I recited and meditated on our promise through the traces of my dreams, the juggle of my duties. And my heart soared when he wandered home, high, but longing to claim me once again. We would be forever imprinted by that night with a son. I rejoiced in thinking, Now he will want to be ever faithful, ever loyal. Yet, even as the young form developed in her womb, the drugs became the already birthed second child in our home. He would kiss my neck the way that melted my heart whispering, If you love me, you will stick by me. He wasn’t by my side when I was in labor in the hospital. He did make it just in time for the birth! As they placed the baby on my chest, my mother whispered everything will be ok baby. Day's went by we grew further apart until we got the pleasant surprise of a new bundle of joy. It went well for a while and after being destroyed for a while it was much needed. But it didn't take long for his nights to start becoming morning's and drug abuse to take over again starting the abuse that led to our departure leading me into the arms of another man. I held my children of hope tighter and tighter but the lifestyle in which I was living was not much different than the one from before so I subconsciously knew life as I knew it was slipping away. I simply closed my eyes to wish away the horrors that seemed to be peering in the shadows only to wake to the dreadful all to familiar nightmare of child protective services facing a battle we all knew I could not beat!!!!!!!!