... when the soul was softened by this interior weeping ...
My Vocation 2016
Discovering God's Plan in my life
My first encounter with God.
It began in "Sekolah Gembala Baik I" (Good Shepherd School) about 20-22 years ago, as young as 5-7 years old when Jesus first called me. No not in voices and visions. But He drew my heart so close to Him like a father would when he embraces his daughter. My non-practicing-buddist parents are very supportive in my decision to be converted. Soon I was baptised in St. Joseph Cathedral, Kuching, Sarawak – Malaysia in 2000. It was one of the happiest day in my life. It was not long after then when I slipped away from the Church. Though I kept my faith burning inside but I was suffering, and many struggles went by thirsting for God's love. It came to a point in 2008 I managed to gather all my courage to face God again and returned to practising the Catholic faith. In which I also had my confirmation in St. Francis Xavier in 2010.
My first intimate relationship with God.
It is not until 2011 when I first encountered God's love in a deeper level through the simpler version the book of Theology of the body by Christopher West. The repetitive of unchaste life in many past relationships finally and somehow had to come to a halt. In the last painful and unhealthy relationship that went on for two years up until 2011, I experienced an indescribable pain and yet an unbelievably great love that God offered to me. I knew then my desire was all distorted and that God must have created me for a better purpose than this.
I had many invisible experiences of suffering and joy that was so immense. God's love consumed my whole being that whenever I asked for console, He made my tears so sweet and loving. When I asked for forgiveness, He gave me peace and freedom. When I asked for penance, He carried my burden and forgave me. I asked that I am able to hear His voice but he gave me a greater gift. A gift of heart. He placed in my heart a feeling; all that human is able to feel when someone console them, forgive them, embrace them and carry the weight off your shoulders.
It was then and there I encountered Christ so intimately and I asked Him to give me the strength to love and to forgive in my life.
My search in vocation.
In 2011 I had to give a 5 min talk in one of my training. I chose "Chastity" as my topic. I took the topic out of passion and deep connection after all my past unforgettable sufferings. It then lead me to the life of Saints which I have never bothered to read or know about because I thought I am not worthy of becoming one. Later did I know that it is the Saint who opened up my heart to a vocation that is not constrain to just marriage. I felt like God had touched me and called me to this beautiful dream. A dream where I can only find true love. The Saint that has called my heart so gently was St. Teresa de Los Andes O.C.D.
It was not until mid-end of 2014 when I had a retreat directed by a Carmelite priest. The topic "listen to His word" struck my inner being again and the religious life sprung out from deep within filling my soul, my heart and my thought. So I took the offer to meet up with Mother superior of O.C.D in Seremban, Malaysia.
I was so drawn to their life and somehow do not know why but I didn't reject the meeting even when I was nervous. I was given a biography book on Teresa of Avila to read but it was too difficult to read so I have only accomplished a few pages. But with just that pages read I was amazed at the similar experience I found.
"Her compunction consoled her; permeated with humility, it was a gift – quiet, and in the light.. when the soul was softened by this interior weeping, God would give the experience of His light; in the shadow of sorrow was to be found the spiritual joy of enlightenment. And so it was with Teresa"
I want to entrust Him my entire life, my vocation. Now, I am in a relationship with I believe is God sent; a man who seek to glorify God in every little things he does in life. We are both looking forward to journey this remaining life with each other until we are united with God.
My Challenge for you.
In everything that you do or you are struggling with, whether or not you know God's call for you or your vocation, always remember to seek guidance from the Sweet Lord. It may often seem that He ignores your plead but He is working at the gift He is preparing for you. Trust in Him and have faith always even when it seems hopeless. Rest assure that I will keep you in my prayers always. Amen.
With His true love and grace,