Nathania Appaduray

-, Malaysia

Never lose sight of yourself for you are an amazing individual

Hi, My name is Nathania Appaduray from Malaysia. I am a born Catholic. What explanation could I assure to why I still choose to remain a Catholic despite the drastic changes that’s happening in today’s society? Here’s my story:

When I was young, going to church every Sundays with my family always seemed to be a forced routine, Sundays schools were an additional burden on me because normal weekdays schooling was frustrating enough as getting up very early in the mornings to school & Sunday's too getting up early to Sunday School! When I was five, I went through a huge, painful situation where I almost went deaf due to negligence of my 1st ENT specialist. I went for a major operation on both my ears, tonsils & removal of adinoids, remembered all the usual hospital visits that I never understood why I had to go through what I went through & what I had done to deserve this. I remembered every painful moment of putting ear drops in my ears which excruciated the pain more which made me suffer 30 mins twice a day every day for many months and years. It was something so unbearable that it still haunts me to this very day. Till today, I still suffer from this pain on my left ear. Due to this I have been deprived from doing a lot of things as a child, swimming, eating chocolates etc, At the age of 19, the right ear was healed miraculously (that's what my doctor told my mum - he said ' I (he) did only 10% the rest was GOD - this coming from a man who is not a christian) & told us to pray for miracle for my left ear , I’m still praying for a miracle for my left ear to be healed completely.

I’ve always been a bubbly, active, loving child, always entertaining my little sisters & mum used to say that I am the life wire of the family! I’ve pretty much had a good childhood; playing outside every evenings, loving parents who acted upon authoritative roles, giving us everything even when times were bad, my parents always provided us the best without thinking twice - what everyone longs for in a family. Everything was perfect until I started primary school. It was in Grade 1, that I felt worthless as I was always compared to my elder sister (age difference was only 1yr 3 months) in school, from my skin tone color, talents, beauty, etc....., i felt so depressed and unwanted that nobody in school wanted to recognize me as an individual with wanting to be myself, instead they choose to always compare me with me sister, I never once got a compliment even if i had done very well in school from my teachers. On top of that, I’ve also suffered tremendously, emotionally and mentally because of society’s expectations of how one’s physicality should be like to be accepted and liked by others which caused me to physically hurt myself (SELF ABUSING) like, pulling all my eyebrows and eyelashes out which I couldn’t understand how such power could take control of me without actually me doing it. That’s when I realized, there is such thing as a Devil and I’ve lived it.

 From seven years old to 12 years old, I’ve suffered so much pain, where my parents couldn’t understand how to help or save me but my mum did everything as a mother to help me (i remembered she used to share with us that she thought she was helping me but not knowing she was doing it in the wrong way- thinking it was the right way). They’ve always tried so hard to cure me (took me to eye doctors, skin doctors) until one of the doctors told my parents that it was nothing to do with my health BUT I MIGHT BE going through some physiological problems & told to take me to a phystricate. All this made me hated myself even more because it feels like I’m destroying what God had given and blessed upon my family but I’m the one trying to break it. it was there I started shifting into a dark place that I was unconsciously not realizing the consequences that it was leading me into. I wanted to make friends by doing it in the wrong way however, ended up realizing I could just do it for myself. The flaws that I was acting upon was making me feel powerful but also, it was my weakness; which it is a very dangerous combination. I’ve started losing friends, being forgiven but as much I wanted to stop it, a habit is a sticky thing. Every meetings my parents would be present and after school would be a torture chamber of my many troubles which made me hated myself more and more.

My mother would always daunt on me stating that “God sees what you are doing and he is very angry with you” and such which made me feared him for the very first time in my life where after that, most of the time, I tried to push that thought away because I was embarrassed about it. In all that time, my mum never gave up on ME, SHE ALWAYS REMINDED ME HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM IN GODS EYES BECAUSE HE WAS MY CREATOR & never created anyone ugly, It is humans who makes people feel that way, But as a child I never believed my mum as I always thought she was saying it to make me happy. Mum never gave up on God, instead of taking me to a phycriate, SHE TURNED TO GOD she prayed so hard and took a vow & asked GOD to heal me from abusing myself, mum fast and prayed, THE HOLY SPIRIT took control of my mum's life & spoke to my mum how to deal with the problem and ways to do it by the SPIRIT OF GOD, Mum followed, She prayed so hard & asked JESUS to appear to me and to AFFIRM ME that I was beautiful in GOD'S EYES & TO HEAL ME FROM ABUSING MYSELF. BELIEVE OR NOT - JESUS APPEARED TO ME ONE NIGHT IN MY DREAM ALL IN WHITE ( I was 8 yrs old), JESUS spoke to me & told me HE LOVES ME SOOOO MUCH AND AFFIRMED me THAT I AM BEAUTIFUL IN HIS EYES, assured me many things & BEFORE Jesus left HE asked me TO STOP pulling my eyelashes & eyes brows FOR HIM, since then I stopped abusing myself! PRAISE GOD ! Though i stopped abusing myself, I still felt insecure of myself. I was always so conscience of how I look, what people will think of me. There was always fights & arguments between my mum & me & once in while I would punish myself whenever I hurt my parents through action & words, this even happened when we moved to a new country at the age of 16.

 Now that I am 23, still studying & studied as foreign exchange student in US & travelling around the world, listening what other people have gone through made me open up myself and my spiritual being in becoming more aware, open-minded, kind, strong-heart and determined to appreciate everything that was blessed upon me and my family despite everything we went through the bad which I’m an eternally grateful to the man up there which I’m proud to call my Father in Heaven. But what was so amazing about growing up is that if it’s not for my parents guidance, strength, stricken roles, ABOVE ALL MY MOTHER'S FAITH IN GOD, I could have been a lost soul in this messed up world. I may not feel God as much as now in my life, I may not be a strong follower of my Catholic religion, but I’ll always have my faith in God that he will always be there for me through my best and worst like HE was for MY MUM but most importantly, I will always see God in my parents for they have definitely lived up every expectations that every child longs to have in life and to be just like them in the future. I HOPE TO SEE ALL OF YOU IN POLAND & I BELIEVE GOD WORKS WONDERS in each one of us differently IN HIS TIME.

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