He is there
Life was rather easy while I was a child. Things would usually go my way. I was part of one of the popular group in school. In high school, I would end up in the top class of the year consistently even though my grades were not that impressive. I would like to think that I was blessed and very much favoured in Gods eye.
One day, when I was around 15 years old, I had a thought, and it was that I will die when I reach my 18th year. Throughout the next three years my life slowly change for the worst. Why did this happened? I supposed that God is finally punishing me for my past wrong doings.
I started to get addicted to computer games, my mind was not as sharp as before, my creativity slowly vanish. I started becoming antisocial. My grades were dropping. My relationship with my mother was not good because of my grades and constant time on the computer. In my mind I was thinking “maybe God is abandoning me.”
Well, eventually I reached my 18th birthday and it turns out that I did not die. I even made it to the next year. Although I did not die physically, but I did felt that I died spiritually. My faith in God was also shaking, “maybe He doesn’t care, maybe He isn’t real.”
Even though I thought that things were bad, somehow I got into one of the top five universities in Australia. The first two years were pretty great, which lead me to think that God is looking out for me again. However my condition got from bad to worst.
In my final year, I was very much distracted from the purpose of going to university. I pray really hard for change but no matter how hard or often I prayed, I just could not focus on my studies. As a result I fail my final exam. I believed that God really has abandon me this time.
After my failure, I took a semester off and went back home. My mother convinced me to get more involve in church, that maybe it will help me get better. I soon joined a cell group and things got better. Then one day a voice spoke in my mind “Maybe God did not abandon me, maybe I abandon God.” Immediately I realized that indeed was the case. I was so angry and frustrated with God thinking that He had abandon me, but instead it was I that stay away because of my anger with God.
After accepting that fact, I started to believe that He is there again, and truly he is. Things gradually got better after that, I was able to focus on my studies again. I became more social able again. I also completed and graduate university. I am at a better place spiritually.
I am telling this story to encourage those who are still unsure, that God is always there for you. And to those who believe that god has abandon you, I hope you learn to trust that God has not and will never do so. He is there, if you start looking out for him.