A product of addictive parents
Growing up with drug addicted parents is certainly traumatic. a daily environment of inconsistency, chaos, fear, abandonment, denial, and real or potential violence. Survival becomes a full-time job. PTSD also leads to a condition called "psychic numbing" experienced as a sense of estrangement and being detached to the point of feeling there is no place or group to which I truly belong. Emotions become constricted, especially in the areas where intimacy, tenderness, and sexuality are involved. Its no wonder that children like me are eight times more likely become addicts themselves or to marry an alcoholic or drug addict, I escaped the throes of addiction myself and that makes me lucky. But that doesn’t mean that I’m emotionally unscathed, After being touched by a man who was friends with my dad, my anxiety was palpable, and I soon stopped attending high school in grade 8, I ran a muck for awhile, smoking, drinking and dating boys in there 18s/20s, only at the age of 12, after my dad was sent to prison for the 3rd time in my life time we had a house fire, I wasn’t really the same after that and I barley left the house, my older brother who had left home leaving me to take on all the responsibility’s as the older child, I have lost count of how many times I have found my parents blue on the floor struggling to breathe, It is honestly something that sticks with you, when ever you go to friends houses, at school ect. you wonder and worry, what am I going to come home to? what are my little siblings going to see? anyway, my dad got out of prison just after the house fire, the very night he got home he had a stroke caused by drugs, though he was unable to abuse mum anymore it wasn’t a good thing, I still have memories of dad beating mum in the car with the intent of killing her, or when they would fight over the drugs, after the stroke mum then took the dominant role, after being the abused for so many years she started to steal all his medication and run wild, causing constant arguing and fighting, one night dad tried to shoot up himself and almost OD'ed in the car, I found him, sprayed him with a hose and cried in my room, later on that night he came into my room to tell me "Sorry..you..weren’t meant to find me.." I actually felt my heart crumble and I felt my insides collapse, they stopped hard drugs after this and simply abused there own medication, mum on methadone and dad getting morphine patches, I never left the house or my room, and started to pack on weight due to all the eating, my mum started to abuse me over the fact she was being taken to court for me not attending school, so I tried to go back to school..I felt as if walls were closing in on me and I started getting severe panic attacks where id claw all the skin off my arms, Id get picked on for shaking and called horrible names, my favourite being "That gross emo boy" (because of my short black hair and obvious cut scares..), I honestly felt so stuck, like the only way not to get my parents into trouble and not have to go to school would be to kill myself, I tried a couple times at home, swallowing pills, cutting up my arm, but never really had the intent to succeed, I only recently started seeing councillors and psychs, and I was put on medication for a small while, before my mother got me taken off it, she was ever a big fan on the thought of me getting help, or trying to reach out, for the fact I could so easily tell them about her addiction, her words to me when I started getting help, "Your not the one who needs help, I am, Your just an attention seeker!". I am currently in a much better mind frame now and even have my first job, I stay at my older brothers house a lot to get away from it all, I've not once touched drugs and I hope I continue to follow this path, I have made it this far with the help of close friends and my brother and I want to one day look my parents in the eye and forgive them.