Diana Kirishko

Moscow, Russia

To be original instead of fake

When I was a little girl, I never had any doubt that God exists. I was brought up by parents who sincerely believe in Him. From them I learned that He is a loving God and if I turn to Him in prayer, He will forgive me for whatever wrong I do. Though His presence in my life was so natural, from an early age I cared a lot about what people thought of me. Their approval inspired me, flattered my vanity. I tried to act properly when others saw me and to hide all bad that I did behind closed doors. I was silent when I wanted to hide emotions or words that may not please people. And they thought I was humble and submissive. Friends called me cute, they liked to communicate with me. In the church, which I attended with my family, nobody doubted that under my pleasant appearance hid a no less beautiful pure heart.   I learned to be nice to people using the beautiful shell of hypocrisy. It seemed to me that it was not difficult at all to hide the wrong deeds from human eyes. I was so passionate to deceive others that began to deceive myself.   However the older I got the harder it was to keep myself within the external holiness. The filth that filled my heart: lust, selfishness, pride, envy – were splashed out as soon as someone "touched" me. Anger towards friends, disobedience to parents... I began to notice that my holiness was false. I was so weak that had no strength to resist the passions.   And then I wanted to become real inside. Not to deceive and not to be deceived. To love. To forgive. To give. I was not able, but I wanted to do it real. Realizing my failure, I felt a strong need for God. I believed that only God could breathe life into His creation. And I asked Him to change my heart. The fellowship with Christ through prayer and Bible reading became for me an important time of studying my heart (my motives) and seeking the will of God. The One, who knew all my secret sins, has become my Holiness. Christ gave me back my value. Now I'm looking for His approval, instead of human.   Every day I try to trust the life to God more and more: my present and my future. Although it’s difficult, I know that I’m on the true way, a way to life, a way to God. With Him I am real!   If my story has found a response in your heart or you would like to learn more about my search of God, please email me in my profile. I'd be happy to talk about it!
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