God, my anxiety and me
When I was fifteen, I woke up one day with a strange feeling. Something in me was different than the day before but I didn’t know what. I felt weak and fear inside for no reason. As the days went by, it became worse until I was not able to go to school or even take the bus to go there.
I spent one year at home doing home schooling and I lost a lot of my friends, I could not explain what was happening to me. I was afraid to go to school and ashamed to say it.
A psychologist said to me : “Maëva, people like you need to be hospitalized, otherwise they spend the rest of their life in the dark of their room.” And I was so afraid of it. I was already alone at home!
So I went in a mental hospital for 2 years. The first year I met other young people in the same situation as me and I realized that I was not the only one living this. But the second year was horrible. I had more fears… I was afraid of everything : going out to do some shopping, take the bus to go back home, being sick, eating and sleeping somewhere other than at home. Everything was a trouble and I was tired of feeling that way. I was tired of living.
One night, we were watching a movie with the others and I felt the anxiety overwhelm me. I felt so bad that I was ready to do anything to stop this. While I was waiting in front of the infirmary to ask for a medicine (I was against this but this night I felt so terrible), I called my mother but even after one hour on the phone, I didn’t feel better.
When I hung up the phone and without doing anything, I felt like the ball of anxiety in my stomach was going up my throat and finally leaving my body… and then I heard a little voice deep inside me that said : “Maëva, your father prayed for you just now.” I sent a message to my father and I asked him : “Dad! Did you pray for me just now?” And he answered : “Yes, why?”
I was so confused! Because I heard about Jesus when I was young and even if I called myself a Christian I always felt God far away from me.
At this point I started to read the Bible and I understood who Jesus is and what he did for me. And I realized if I felt God far away from me it was because of my sins who created a separation between God and me. When I found a moment alone in my room, I closed the door and started to speak to Jesus. I asked for the forgiveness of my sins and took the decision to not sin anymore, to change my way of living. And then I asked Jesus to set me free from all the fears I had.
A short time later I woke up in this mental hospital realizing… I’m feeling good. I was feeling good and it was something new for me. I had been so used to feeling bad and anxious all the time. I passed my exams and my driver’s licence without anxiety which was also something new. I always thought I would not be able to do that because they were big steps in life and I was already anxious for the littles things so… But I did it. Without fear.
After 2 years I left this mental hospital and I continued my studies as though I had never gone through all this things. One day for an exam I had to present a subject in front of the class and I did it as I would have done anything else. I was not afraid, I had no anxiety and it was so special… because few years earlier I was afraid of just being in the same room with others, so speaking in front of everyone… At this moment I realized what God did in my life and I started to tell it around me.
In 2014, I got baptized, I received the Holy Spirit and everything changed. I was set free from all my fears, all my anxiety, my nightmares, my sins ! I cut with my past and Jesus gave me a new life.
For 3 years, one weekend per month I was traveling in different cities in France with others young Christians friends that I met to share our testimonies on stage in front of people. The first time I did it was in front of 2000 people. While I was sharing my testimony I realized what I was saying… “I was afraid of being around people” And I was telling this to 2000 people.
Today I continue to live the life with Jesus. I obey his teachings, I pray for the sick, cast out demons, baptize people, lay hands on them to receive the Holy Spirit. I live the life we read in the book of Acts in the Bible.
I am free from fears, I am free from sin, I am totally new.
« This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! » (2 Corinthians 5:17)
