Black Hole

I remember spiralling down that black hole with a deep sense of helplessness and worthlessness. Everything around me seemed hopeless and God didn't seem present most of the time. I was struggling with depression and anxiety for almost 2 years. It's hard to describe how i couldn't cope with the amount of emotional pain felt inside. If I had enough courage back then and without God, I would have just ended the pain. I was at my worst and i could not even recognize myself. People tell me to "Go seek help from a professional" and as stubborn as I am, I told them "I don't need help".

Prayers

As distant as how God felt to me then, I continued praying. He seemed to be the only one i could turn to when I felt alone and when no one understands me. The divine mercy prayer was a prayer introduced by my Godma at that time and I prayed that prayer from time to time. I started leaning on him more and more for strength. One day, when I was at a retreat, praying in a chapel at night, I felt this deep sense of peace and love that was surrounding me. It felt like God was hugging me. I just felt I was loved and everything is going to be okay. I ended the prayer telling God that whatever his will is for me, it would follow and that gave me a sense of peace.

Where am I today?

Today, I am still searching for God. I still question, I still doubt. It took me quite a while to decide to come for WYD and I'm glad I did because somehow I felt that I should be here. The whole experience of depression and getting out of it through God's help and the help of close ones has made me a stronger person today. As I look back at everything that has happened, I'm grateful at how that event has molded me into the person I am today.

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