Jesus was with me
I would have liked to just run away. Run away from myself and from everyone else. My life didn’t make any sense anymore. The constant rejection, my deep loneliness and these recurring migraine attacks made my life seem pointless. I wanted to disappear, stop existing. I wanted to put an end to it!
But then I remembred an experience I had around 7 years back that had affected me very deeply. And I remembred how I had endured the situation back then.
When I was 6 years old, I was abused. My beautiful sheltered world was shattered into a thousand pieces. I withdrew more and more into myself and started wearing a mask. I was haunted by feelings of shame and guilt and did not want to share my internal suffering with anybody. I became aggressive had nightmares and recurring attacks of migraine. I felt completely alone, angry and sad.
But then something happened that changed my whole life. In my deep misery and fear one night I cried out to God and asked Jesus to help me. Then I felt that he was with me. I couldn’t see Jesus, but in that moment I felt that he knew everything and still loved me. Yes, he was very close to me, listened to me and cried together with me. In that night God was present and he promised to never leave me.
Now in despair again I cried out for help. I thought to myself: “If it doesn’t help, I can still end my own life”. I asked God to change me, to give me friends and to give my life a meaning.
A few months later I realized that God had answered that prayer. From that day on I did not have any attacks of migraine anymore. I was no longer aggressive and had made new friends that were stuck by my side. But even more surprising to me was that I could confront my past and no longer feel any hate or anger. My past is a part of who I am, but it no longer haunts me with negative feelings. God has, helped me to forgive, without me noticing.
I know that Jesus is with me every day, even when I am very sad and lonely and that makes me so grateful. Even today I feel again and again how his love changes me and gives my life a meaning and joy.
There is a God who cares about you and who sticks by your side!