Oliver Gillespie

Nottingham, UK

Perfect Little Aeroplane

Have you ever been in a relationship with God? In many ways, it is miles apart from any other relationship I have ever had. In other ways, it is not so different.

I know people who met Jesus in whirlwinds. He swept them off their feet, and changed them forever, overnight. Jesus changes lives, and he can do that, but as we all know, that is not the only way to fall in love.

I met Jesus over eighteen years. The more I trusted him and spent time with him, the brighter my life became. I fell more in love, until one day, I stood in a swimming pool and committed my life to him forever.

Then came the honeymoon period. I had a heart full of fire and a head full of dreams. I ran everywhere at a hundred-miles-per-hour, like a child. My life was a perfect little aeroplane, doing loop the loops, until the storm came.

It was summer, after my first year of university, when everything turned numb. The fire in my heart went out. The smallest thing felt like lifting a mountain.

I had medical depression and fatigue. I tried to step forwards, but something always pushed me back. I spent a lot of time in bed, and even more time in tears. My friends tiptoed around me. I left my church, and my girlfriend left me. I felt misunderstood and alone.

Where was Jesus in this? I did not know, and that terrified me more than anything. Was he even real? If he was, then I thought he had abandoned me.

It took me a month to reach the end of my rope. Then, one whole year after that, the rope snapped. My knees hit the mud in a dark field near my home. I had one choice: to keep waiting for Jesus, or to forget him, like an old fairy-tale. I wrestled with that choice, and then, one image grew until it filled my mind.

I saw the eyes of Jesus. They poured with tears, and in those tears were perfect rivers of beauty, power, and love. In a lifetime of trying, I could never forget his gaze. I realised that I was never going to let him go, because he was never going to let go of me. I mean that much to him.  

That was a year ago, and I have healed. My health has improved, and so has my trust in God. I still have dark days, but they no longer scare me.

Jesus does not need to jump through my hoops, to prove himself, like he used to. Now, his word is enough. I can sing and dance in the darkest times, because I know the truth. I love him, so he works everything for my good; and because he loves me, he will be with me, and for me, always.

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