Hopeless without God
I suppose in order to be able to understand my story correctly and see the great miracle God has done in my life, I will have to start at the beginning. But I will also leave some big parts out; otherwise it would be much too long.
First there will be an abridged version and bellow a summary.
Hopeless without God
At the age of 24 I had given up my life. The strong anti-depressants which I was taking since many years because of depression and anxiety, made out of me an empty shell of blood and flesh. As my trials to take my life stranded, I decided to go to Exit (an institution for euthanasia).
Exit promised me their support in case nothing would change in my life until I turned 25. Until then there were 8 months left. I remembered my faith in God, which I had since I was a child. Could I really say that I trust Him, if I was planning to take my life in 8 months’ time?
I couldn’t. I decided not to go there and so again I was feeling very lonely and down. I had given up my only hope I had to bring my life to an end. Now I just had to go on facing my problems. As I was so desperate, for the first time in my life I asked 3 people to pray for me. I started listening to worship music and prayed myself. Over hours I told God about my burden. A few days later after 9 years I decided to go back to the church I went to before. It was incredible – during the church service they talked exactly about my problems. All my life I was looking for acceptation and love from people to fill the emptiness inside of me. But no one could do it. When I realised that God had already accepted and loved me, I gave Him my life.
Two days later I drove away with 2 friends of mine. On the highway, direction to the place we were heading too, I showed them the worship songs that I always was listening to now. Suddenly I had this strong feeling I should pray to God and tell Him about my problems and thank Him for my friends. It wasn’t a long prayer, nothing special, just real simple.
After this prayer I suddenly felt very happy – it did feel a bit strange. I concentrated on the depression and my sorrow which had destructed my life. Astonished I recognised that all my grief had disappeared out of my heart. I couldn’t understand it. Peace was now in my heart and I sensed an indescribable big love. For the first time in my life I was filled with God’s love and care – it was as if my biggest dream was turning into reality.
I supposed this feeling of being `high` would last only a few hours or at the most 1 day. But it didn’t go away. Since October 7th 2014 I have more hope and soulfulness then I ever had before.
God did not only do the necessary so that I could manage my life. No, He did it even 1000 times better than I could have ever imagined. There where I always failed because I tried to do the things my way, He changed my life completely in one moment. He brought my life into order even though I never thought it would be possible. I was even able to stop my drug addiction which I had over years and He will help me to stay firm day by day.
I shortened my story here – so don’t hesitate to write me in case you would like to talk to me about it more detailed. I am so happy that I can speak about God’s eternal love and mercy.
I grew up in a home where my mother talked to me about Jesus and God. I accepted Jesus in my life as my Saviour and I followed Him. I wanted to walk with the Lord, at least until I turned 15 years, but I’ll get back to this later on.
My remembrances goes back to the time I was 8 years old (things I remember are not all clear) and fight was something that I experienced every day at home. So I started getting addicted to gaming. I gamed very much. So when I had to go to bed at 20.00 o’clock I gamed in order to not hear the fights so much. I played through night after night until I had to get ready for school the next morning at 6.00. This was a very bad time I went through. Actually I never really experienced what it means to be loved, I grew up lonely full of hate and despair. School wasn’t better either, because I was very uncommunicative determined through what I was experiencing at home. Almost every day I was mobbed and beaten up, and I just put up with it. Therefore I had to change schools different times because the mobbing was getting worse and worse.
During this period of time I still had my faith and knew that God is with me in every second. Even though I felt very lonely I knew I would break down without my faith.
At home my parents were either fighting together – or – when they didn’t fight – I fought with them. With my brother it wasn’t better either. We just didn’t get along and both of us were totally overcharged with this situation. The ‘good’ thing was that I thought it was like this in every family. That is why I never learned what it means to be loved or to have someone that is with you.
The conflicts at home got worse and life was dominated with fear and despair. So very early I already had the thoughts in my mind, to take my life. I tried it a few times, but no try was successful. Looking back I am so thankful that God prevented it every time and had His hand over my life.
Already as a child I was longing for love. During 6 years I was in love with a girl, but I didn’t have the courage to talk to her. I was so afraid to be dismissed. So I preferred living in the uncertainty than being dismissed by the only person I loved to this day.
I didn’t have any friends and I also missed someone to talk to. But due to my education I believed in God and often asked Him to help me. For many years He was the only one I talked to. But I desired more, I wanted to be accepted by people, was looking for love and acknowledgement. I thought only that would fill me and allow me to have a good life.
Time went by and I was aware that I wanted to die. With this decision made up in my mind while I still was very young, I had absolutely no more soulfulness. I was desperate, mad and I didn’t feel like anyone understood me. I had the feeling I was all alone in the world and nobody would ever care for me, accept or love me.
In the church I was assisting I did not feel very good. It actually was an obligation to go there. During a long time I felt unwell every time I went there. I thought I wouldn’t need a church and that my faith in God was enough. I also found prayer unnecessary. So with the time my commitment to God was getting less and less.
One day we went to another church but here my opinion stayed the same. Even though I had ‘faith’ I didn’t want to attend the church. But in this new church I got to know some people that had a special charisma. They were very nice and caring; they prayed for me and talked to me. It was so nice to know that someone was interested in my life. But my problem remained. After about 3 years in this church I started attending a youth group in this church. For the first time in my life I experienced something like acceptance and love. Even though these people from the youth group were like ‘strangers’ to me, they all hugged me the first day. I never had experienced something like this and I felt very good. For me it was like a family, a big family, which helped each other, laughed together and shared sad times together.
Without me knowing, I realize today that God had put many people around my life which helped me through. But unfortunately my binding with God was not a lot stronger in the new youth group either. I went to church because of the people. I did trust some of the young people in the youth group and they prayed for me. Ten years later I found out, that some of them were still praying for me and remember me.
With 15 I met my first big love. For the first time in my life I felt accepted and got to know a complete different way of seeing life. Now, someone was really here for me and I felt accepted and loved. (I am so grateful that my first girlfriend shared my faith. This changed many things in my future).
This relationship broke up very quick and I felt abandoned more than ever. Now I thought I had lost completely everything. I also had neglected my relationship with God. I could
actually say that I partly blamed Him that He had allowed all this to happen. But good thing I realized that it wasn't His fault, that He had given us a free will as a gift. Every person decides by himself what he wants to do and what not. God only shows us the right way. He never said it would be easy to follow Him. But He wants to save us and give us eternal life.
At the end without God
Unfortunately I turned myself away from God. Instead of going to the youth group or to church I went out to have fun. Since then, I was 15 years old; I tried solving my problems with alcohol. I gave room and opened my heart to the bad things in life. From this moment on things turned very bad. The thoughts of taking my life were getting worse; I could hardly stand the big depression I was in. My life was a catastrophe. Whatever I tried in school or with people, I failed. The only thing that I had left were 2 colleagues from the youth group (one of them was Andi, who until today is my best friend). With them I went drinking every weekend instead of going to the youth group. For 2 years I lived this way until I got to a point where I didn't want to have any more contact with nobody. I just gamed day by day. Every weekend I told my colleagues that I wouldn't go out with them, even though they kept calling me. But I preferred to stay in my game addiction.
At the age of 17 the fights at home got worse. In the apprentice school I broke down more than once. My bosses noticed my bad state and send me to Christian therapist which had lots of experience with problems like I had in my situation. He told me it would be good to move out of the house because otherwise I would really break down. But I was afraid of the reaction of my parents. So I told the therapist that this was not possible for me, even though I would have liked to do it. 'Good thing' that the fights at home got so bad that my father told me I should move out. So I packed my things and called my collegians with which I drank, called Andi – with whom I haven't had any contact for 1 year. Without thinking about it, he allowed me to stay at his place und so I left my parents’ home the next day.
One month later I got a room in a flat sharing where there were people taking care of us, the way we needed it. There it got even worse. Now there was really nothing which was detaining me to take my life. Now I didn't have to be afraid anymore that my parents would maybe find me while I was trying to commit suicide. I started smoking much marihuana and a short while later I quit my apprentice. During this time I was taken to the hospital a couple of times by Andi. I never told him when I was planning to commit suicide, but somehow he always sensed it and came to me. Once even in the middle of a Christmas party. Much later he told me that he always had an impression, he had to come to see me. Now I know and understand that God had prepared this, so I wouldn't commit suicide. More than once he saved me. With the time I also started taking harder drugs, like LSD, MDMA and cocaine to be able to forget the pain I had.
In the psychiatry
When I realised how much pain I had done to Andi, I decided to go to psychiatry. I didn't care that my life was ruined but I didn't also want to ruin Andi's life as well. In the psychiatry they gave me anti-depressants and other strong medication (neuroleptics). Both things I took over years. They helped me to manage with my grief and pain, but they took the last little bit of joy I had, away. I was just an empty shell out of blood and flesh.
All together I had 3 stays in the psychiatry of each time 1 month. But my problems were not solved through it. But I did learn to talk about my problems. There I realized I was not the only one having such problems. I had 7 different therapists but none of them knew how to help me. Some of them were at the end of their knowledge and had given me up.
In the meantime I had already worked in 5 different places and also failed trying a new apprentice because psychical I couldn't make it. I changed my relationships very often, always hoping to find the love I some much desired. I was completely convinced that then I could be happy when I had a relationship where I felt being loved. But this wasn't the case. Because of all my problems most relationships broke and I hurt many people in my life. I had been deceived and I felt a lot worse.
Last way out
When I was 24 I just couldn't anymore. I had lost all hope and motivation. I had given myself up; I didn't want to get out of this situation anymore. I just wanted to die. As all my essays of taking my life had failed, I decided to go to Exit (an institution for euthanasia). Exit promised me their support in case I still wanted to die when I turned 25.
At this point I started to think about if I really could say that I trusted in God. I couldn't say I trust in God and in everything He had promised me if I was planning to take my life in 8 months. After a few months I came to the conclusion that it wasn't possible to take my life, because it didn’t' agree with the little faith I still had. So I came to another deeper point in my life. I had given up the last hope to end my life. So I somehow had to deal with my problems, go on even though I saw no way out.
As I was so desperate, I called my mum and 2 other people for the first time in my life, and asked them to pray for me. One of this person’s was my first girlfriend, who was a Christian. The other person was an old school friend from whom I also knew that he was a Christian. I simply knew that nothing or nobody could help me except God!
A new beginning
I had problems sleeping. As I was terrified of going to sleep, I only slept every second to third night. I was obsessed of loneliness. The worst was for me to wake up in the morning without having strength to get up. Sometimes I lay in bed up to 20 hours, without any motivation to get up. After the incidences I talked about before I started listening to worship songs. For the first time I was able to fall asleep and get up without having much difficulties.
Then I started to pray. I talked to God and told Him all my problems. I spent hours talking with Him and gave him my burden. A few days later I decided after 9 years to go back to the church I went to before. It was incredible – during the church service they talked exactly about my problems. All my life I was looking for acceptation and love from people to fill the emptiness inside of me. This was the topic of the sermon and I it made me think about my life.
For years I was trying to hold on to people, I depended on my relationships and was looking for acceptance. I had completely forgotten that God had already accepted me, that I was being loved so much by Him, that he is proud of me every moment of my life, that He will never leave me alone and that He will help me. This was the moment when I gave my life to Jesus again. And this time it was a personal, simple decision, which was not influenced from my education. I prayed to God and asked Him to lead me, told Him that I want to follow Him and spend my life with Him. I gave Him my life and gave Him all of my heart. Even though my trust and faith in Him were not big, I wanted to follow Him.
Two days later I drove away with 2 friends of mine. On the highway, direction to the place we were heading too, I showed them the worship songs that I was always listening to now. Suddenly I had this strong feeling I should pray to God and tell Him about my problems and thank Him for my friends. It wasn’t a long prayer, nothing special, just real simple.
After prayer I noticed that something was strange. I suddenly felt happy. I did feel happy sometimes but it always also felt sadness and sorrow. Then I remembered my depression and the moments which made my life so hard and things which really had hurt me. Astonished I recognised that all my grief had disappeared out of my heart. I couldn’t believe it and was so grateful. Peace had filled me and I sensed an incredible, indescribably big love. For the first time of my life I was filled with the Holy Spirit, with His love and His care.
I expected these great feelings would last only a few hours or at the most 1 day. I would have felt very happy not having these negative thoughts for one day. Just feeling this love and being filled from God was as if my biggest dream had come true. While we were hiking I prayed again and again and was so grateful to God. Grateful for the world He had made, grateful that we could enjoy every day that He is with me all the time and He would never leave me. No matter what we do, in Him we find peace and forgiveness. I had such a great
day, like I had never had before in my life. I didn’t even imagine it was possible to experience such a wonderful day.
Then I waited for the depressions and sorrows to come back. (My faith in God was too little to expect more from Him on this day). But nothing happened. God had planned something much better than giving me joy and peace for only one day. What I was struggling with over years out of my own force, He changed in just one moment. He put everything into order, He changed my total life. Despite my missing faith and confidence in Him that He had a plan for me He made one miracle after the other in my life. He healed me.
A new life
Since October 7th 2014 I have a indescribably joy inside of me, peace and the knowledge, that no matter what will come, God will put it into order. I see the people with different eyes and can smile or even better: I cannot stop smiling. I am so happy to live and have more hope and soulfulness than ever before. God did not only do the most necessary thing so I could manage with my life. No, He made it 1000 times better than I had ever dreamed about. He is a father who will never leave me, I am His son and I will always love me.
Beside of all this I was able to leave all the drugs. Until today I have no desire of them, because the problems why I began with drugs disappeared. I know that God encourages me in this decision and will help me to pull it through.
To experience His love and the possibility I had of giving him my burden is something I cannot fully understand yet. It is a wonderful new feeling. I cannot describe the way God works in our lives. My whole life long I don’t want to forget what He has done for me and what He can do. I don’t want to miss one day living without Him and His endless love. Only His love is capable to fill the emptiness in people’s heart.
Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any questions. I am so grateful if I can share God’s endless love and mercy with you.